Snow White FF7, immature and crazy
by Htress
Summary: What happens when Sephiroth cheats in a strip poker game with the author? Look at him, he's now starring Snow White. Do I really have to say that it contains yaoi material???


Disclaimer

I do not own FF7, nor the story 'snow white' (God life sucks, sometimes) This is an attempt for humour, this time. Let me explain. I won a strip poker game against my fav bishie, but since he didn't want to follow the main rule (meaning he hadn't strip…) I told him he would be my slave for the next fiction. (And being what he is, I don't think he will be able to escape, this time…) Mwahahahahaha!!! Let insanity begins… (Too much Robot Wars for me…) And Yaoi warning… (Big bad yaoi warning, hey, it's my story)

Snow white, FF7, immature and crazy

(You know what I mean)

In a far, far away land, a long, long time ago (well maybe not so long…) lived a rather happy royal family in a kingdom named Midgar. The Midgar kingdom was ruled by an handsome King and a beautiful Queen, themselves known as King Vincent Valentine and Queen Lucrecia Valentine. They were happy together, living in their huge castle, until the day Queen Lucrecia fell pregnant. The royal sorcerer, Hojo, was very annoyed, because greedy as he was, wanted to rule all of Midgar and keep the beautiful Queen for himself. He started to envy King Vincent, and decided to search for a charm strong enough to mystify Queen Lucrecia and push her to love him. Time passed and the day the heir of Midgar Kingdom was born came. Everybody at the court were very happy to hear that it was a handsome, white-haired boy. The snow was falling that day, so King Vincent decided to name him…

*Sephiroth*: Sephiroth!!! They decided to name him Sephiroth!!!

*Htress*: … Snow White?… Na… Can't translate that in French…Sephy the Snowman? White Sephy?…

*Sephiroth*: SEPHIROTH!!!

*Htress*: All right, all right…

… Sephiroth. Well, everyone was happy, but not the royal sorcerer. Hojo was still thinking about a way to get to the head of the Kingdom. But if the kid wasn't very strong, it wouldn't be a treat to his plans. So he asked to his Cetra Mirror, whose name was Aerith…

- Oh mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most powerful man in the Midgar Kingdom?

An image of a girl appeared in the glass through the green vapours.

- Oh, sorcerer, though he might be very young, Sephiroth is the most powerful warrior of the Kingdom.

- WHAT!?!

The sorcerer was upset, and started to think of a way to kill the newborn, but, oh poor him, King Vincent was very protective over his son. Hojo was a patient man, and decided to wait until he would be older. Maybe before that something would happen so he could get a hold on the throne… and until then, he would do anything he could to ensure that Sephiroth would never discover his strength.

*Sephiroth*: Like that freak could avoid it… He's gonna get his ass kicked, anyway…

*Htress*: Stop spoiling everything, Seph!

*Sephiroth*: But everyone knows this story, the big bad sorceress dies at the end of the story!!!!

*Htress* AAAAArrrghhh! You're impossible!!!!

*******

A few years later, tragedy hit the Kingdom, when Queen Lucrecia passed away from a mysterious disease. King Vincent and Prince Sephiroth, who was only six years old, were at her side when she died. The little one had been forced under sleepel, he had refused to leave his mother alone, clutching her hand and trying to wake her up.

*Sephiroth*: I'm not a whining baby!!!!

*Htress* rolls her eyes: Yes you are!

*Sephiroth*: I'm not!

*Htress* Takes the Masamune and threaten Sephiroth with it : Yes you are…

*Sephiroth* growls and sat down on his chair.

The King mournfully picked him up, nodding to the priest so he could prepare her for the royal burial. The King and the Prince stayed together for the rest of the day. That is when Hojo decided to strike. He coated the swords the King and the Prince were often using during their training with a strong poison. But it didn't turn out as he had wanted. The King was lightly scratched by his son on his right arm. The poison acted fast and the wound got infected, the King was on his deathbed, and the little Prince Sephiroth feared that his father would die, too.

- Save him! You're a sorcerer, use your magic stones and save him!, he cried to Hojo

*Sephiroth*: Again crying like a baby… You're mean, Htress

*Htress*: You did not strip, Seph, live with it

*Sephiroth* : Awwwwww… can I have Masamune back?

*Htress*: no.

- Of course, your highness, of course I will. Your Majesty your father is in good hands. But in order to save him, I will have to amputate his arm.

The sorcerer didn't have the choice. If the King died, Prince Sephiroth would be put on the throne, and he could never be the ruler of Midgar… He gave the King the antidote, and ordered to the guards to take him to his small laboratory, where he surgically removed his bad arm, replacing it by a mythril prosthesis, one of his latest invention. And then the King was saved.

However, the Prince couldn't practise with his sword anymore. And Hojo was pleased.

********

When the prince turned 16, King Vincent gave his son a magnificent sword, called the Masamune, as his birthday gift. Prince Sephiroth was very impressed, because his father could no longer use a sword.

- But father, he said, you cannot train with me anymore… How will I ever learn to use this gift?

- My dear, dear son, the King replied, I did not forget that point. I would like to present you your new teacher. He has the same age as you, and I hope you two will get along well.

A dark-haired man entered, a large grin plastered on his face and bowed to the Prince.

- Your Highness, I am Zackary Hoecken, your new sparring partner. Shall we begin?

Prince Sephiroth smiled and followed Zack outside hurriedly. The sorcerer excused himself and left, going straight to Aerith.

- Mirror, mirror, tell me, is the Prince really that strong?

- Oh, sorcerer, you already know the answer, Prince Sephiroth is the strongest warrior in the Kingdom. 

- AAAArggghh! I have to act, quickly… Guards! Bring me Knight Zackary Hoecken!

The Knight arrived few minutes later, and Hojo didn't lost time, he tackled the young man down and scratched him with a poisoned dart. The young knight started to feel the cold immediately, and he was most shocked when the sorcerer whispered his terrible mission.

- Tomorrow, take the Prince out into the woods, kill him, do you hear me? And then you will tell the King he's dead. When you'll be done, come back here and I'll give you the antidote. If you try to alert the King, well, I'll kill you. If you return with the Prince, you'll die of an horrible, long and painful death. Am I clear?

Stricken by fear and disgust, Zack nodded. He didn't want to do this, he liked the Prince a lot… But he didn't want to die either… So the next morning he got out of the castle with Prince Sephiroth and they rode on their Gold Chocobos until the reached the forest. Zack dismounted and freed his Chocobo discretely while the Prince was tying his own on a nearby tree. The dark haired man then started walking with Prince Sephiroth into the dark forest.

*Sephiroth*: Am I supposed to be scared now?

*Htress*: *roll eyes* No because you're not supposed to know that he's going to kill you, Seph…

*Sephiroth*: He got no guts to kill me. And no skills, and no…

*Htress*: Zack is a kind guy. Stop being afraid.

*Sephiroth*: I AM NOT!!! I'm just… uncomfortable?

*Htress*: *close the lights*

*Sephiroth*: Don't do that!!! You know I don't like being in the dark!!!

*Htress*: But you have Mako eyes! How can you be afraid in the dark?

*Sephiroth*: This is not the point!

*Htress*: Oooooh… weak spot…

*Sephiroth*: Not fair…

- Go, your Highness.

- To go? But where?… Zack?!?

- I-I I am supposed to slay you here… Hojo will kill me if I don't… Please your Highness, I know you have a great strength and you are skilled, try to survive… I promise… I promise I will come back…, he said with tears in his eyes

Prince Sephiroth was startled to hear that Hojo was plotting against him. But he was very worried about his father. With him gone, and King Vincent unable to stand for himself in battle, if the sorcerer tried to make a move for the throne, he was disadvantaged. The sincerity in Zack's eyes was so true that the Prince nodded. He looked one last time at his friend and walked deeper in the dark forest.

********

- My son… my… son…

- Majesty!

One of the counsellor, Reeve, ran up to King Vincent when he fell lifelessly to the ground, afflicted by the news Knight Zackary Hoecken had given him. The poor young man looked injured himself, and Sorcerer Hojo was called to treat him. The King was transported to the Royal bedroom to rest while the knight was taken away by Hojo. But Zack fell unconscious before they could reach the lab. The sorcerer gave him a small amount of the antidote, he may need him later, after all. After telling the guards to take him back to his quarters, he went to the Cetra Mirror, calling upon Aeris once again.

- Mirror, mirror, tell me, do you see anyone capable of opposing to me?

The girl took form in the green vapours of the mirror.

- Oh, sorcerer, Prince Sephiroth is planning to come back… and King Vincent won't let you take the throne…

- Ark! He's still alive!!! Troublesome, indeed… Where is he?

- He found shelter into a small house deep in the woods, near the coal mine…

- Good. How will I kill him…?

*********

Indeed, deep, deep in the woods, in a little but warm house (well, it was warmer than outside) Prince Sephiroth had found shelter. It was in a so upside-down state that he thought it was abandoned. Being mostly raised in a castle, he did not want to live, even for a short period of time, in such a house, he started to clean everything, and noticed very strange things…

*Sephiroth*: Htress… I /don't/ clean up, Cloud does…

*Htress*: Weeeeeelllll, I know, Cloud would like you to help, sometimes…

*Sephiroth*: He never asks!

*Htress*: Sephiroth…

*Sephiroth*: Alright! I manage to get out each time! What will you do to me?

*Htress* grins insanely

*Sephiroth*: I don't like that…

*Htress*: Mwahahahahaha!!!

Like seven little spoons, bowls and plates, the same numbers of bed, boots… It was odd. And when he entered the bedroom, he realised he had to wash seven set of sheets, too… After all that hard work, he went into the small bathroom to take a shower, then he pushed three beds together and slumped on them, falling in a deep sleep.

While the Prince was resting, a procession of seven little dwarves, the seven Avanlanchers, were coming back from the coal mine. In order, they were Tseng, Barret, Cid, Tifa, Yuffie, Rufus and Reno. They were signing joyously, seeing their little house not far away, the two little girls ran down the rest of the path to prepare the meal but when they opened the door, they froze. The rest of the troop quickly reached them and they realised that someone had come, or maybe even someone was still in their home…

- Be careful, it can be dangerous, said Tseng

The seven dwarves climbed up the stairs to find, fast asleep on their bed, a silver-haired man. They all sheathed their weapons and grouped around the newcomer. The girls gasped, finding him handsome, and since they seemed already so attached to him Tseng decided to at least wait until he wake up to see what they would do of him…

*Sephiroth*: Not TIFA AND YUFFIE!!!!

*Htress*: Hehehe… That's not all…

*Sephiroth*: I /don't/ like that… Htress, can we continue the game instead? I swear I'll follow the rules, this time!

*Htress*: No way! I'm having too much fun torturing you!!!

*Sephiroth* shudders…

********

- Your Majesty, please deign to hear me…

King Vincent nodded to the Knight kneeling beside his bed. It was the middle of the night. Zack, who seemed exhausted, stayed where he was.

- Speak, young knight…

- I must inform you of a very important matter… Your son… is not dead… I have been forced to abandon him in the dark forest… My Lord, Sorcerer Hojo… Uggh!!!

- Zackary!!! Guards!!! Guards!!!

Two guards barged in and helped Zack to his feet. But it was too late. The Knight was already in his death throes. King Vincent ordered the guards to lie him on his bed and leave. He took hold of the young man's hand and forced him to look in his eyes. He could see the dark shadows of death dancing in those hazel irises, so much like Lucrecia…

- What is it your are trying to tell me?

- ……Ngh… Hojo…… wants the… argh… ugh…… your throne… huff… huff…

The door then swung open and the Sorcerer himself stepped in, a sly grin marking his features. He advanced menacingly toward the King, scratching him with a poisoned dart.

- If I don't succeed in killing him, at least I will have your life to bargain his… quietness…

King Vincent felt immediately his body become numb and the darkness won over him. Hojo yelled to the guards outside, kneeling before the fallen King. He made a fuss over him, looking like he was trying to save him, but he stopped all of a sudden, bowing his head in a false sign of respect.

- Tragedy hit once again this kingdom, he said, for King Vincent is extremely sick. This Knight must have contaminated him. Take care and lock him in his quarters. The King is to be left undisturbed. I will go and try to find some herbs in the forest that could cure him. Until then, every royal affair must be suspended.

********

- Oh, your Highness, this is indeed very troubling… Until everything clears up, I agree on letting you stay with us.

- Yeah!!!!, the girls screamed in unison

- Thank you, mister Tseng. Know that I greatly appreciate your hospitality. Now, where could I sleep?

- You could sleep with me…, proposed Tifa

*Sephiroth*: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *run around and go hide under Htress's bed*

*Htress*: Hey, I'm not a sadist… Come back here, I swear you won't go with Tifa…

*Sephiroth*: Promise?

*Htess*: Promise…

But the Prince refused the offer, the little female dwarf seemed a little too much eager to sleep with him… finally, Tseng proposed him the couch and he accepted. A few days passed. Quiet, boring days where Prince Sephiroth did the laundry, the dishes and swept the floors to keep him occupied. The dwarves were leaving at dawn and were returning at dusk from the mine each day. And with each day that was passing, the more his worries were growing. Finally, one day, while he was sweeping the kitchen floor, someone knocked at the door. Thinking it was the Knight Zack, he immediately opened it, but was deceived when he saw an old man standing there.

- Can I help you?, he asked politely

- Ungh… Oh, young man, I am selling apples. Don't you think they are absolutely appetizing?, the old man answered with mirth, Do you want to taste one?

- Ummm, no thanks.

- Oh, come on, I'll give one to you for free… Here, eat it!

- Really, no, I cannot accept…

(For the benefits of all people who doesn't know that fact, Sephiroth doesn't like apples, unless they are cooked.)

- I said EAT IT!!!

- I said NO THANKS!!!

- You will EAT that apple!!!

The old man stuffed the fruit into Sephiroth's mouth. The Prince tried to get it out, but the old man, whose disguise fell with the fierce battle revealing the evil, evil Sorcerer Hojo, gave him a hard slap on the back of his head. This action caused Prince Sephiroth to bite into the apple. He swallowed hard, making a face of disgust at the bitter taste and as the fruit touched the ground, the silver-haired Prince stiffened and fell unconscious on the floor. Hojo snickered.

- You always had been a difficult child. Now die.

And with that he was gone. Few hours later, the dwarves returned from the coal mine, all of them exhausted from their hard day of work. Yuffie and Barret were looking forward a good meal, while the others just wanted to take a quick shower or relax all evening. None of them expected to see their royal guest sprawled on the floor. Tseng, Rufus and Reno moved him to the couch and they tried to wake him up. Then Cid picked up the apple that looked sooooo appetizing, even if a tiny bit was missing… But upon sniffing it a little, Dwarf Cid exclaimed:

- *((#&?%*?%#@?@(*&(*&$#(&?$(&)&(&#*?(*&?&!!!

- Poisonned!?!, repeated Rufus

- Oh no!!! Squealed the girls, horrified

- Can we do something? 

Tseng shook his head grimly. He looked at the Prince; his clothes were destroyed.

- That magic is too strong… Prince Sephiroth will never awake. We failed in protecting him. Let's give him a proper place to rest. And some decent clothes.

*******

*Htress*: So, in short, concise words, Prince Sephiroth is sleeping, King Vincent and Knight Zackary are under Hojo's power, the dwarves are trying to find decent clothes for Sephy, and the Midgar Kingdom is ruled by Hojo. I don't have to mention that he his scaring the population (did you look at him, I mean closely?)

*Sephiroth*: They know this already, they read the story so far…

*Htress*: Don't spoil my transition!!!!! *threaten Sephiroth with the Masamune*

*Sephiroth*: Yes, M'dam…

Traveling from the far, far away country of the Mounts Nibel, Prince Cloud Strife was riding his gold chocobo into the dark, dark forest. Mainly because he was lost, again. His bigger sister, Elena was married to the actual ruler of Mounts Nibel Kingdom. Being the second child in a family had his disadvantages, so Prince Cloud Strife would never become King. He was searching for a mate in the neighbour kingdoms. Upon arriving into a small clearance, he discovered a magnificent crystal dome, and inside was resting a beautiful young lady, dressed in a luminous light pink ceremonial dress.

*Sephiroth*: You dared!!!! You dared to put me in a dress!!! PINK NO LESS!!!!

*Htress*: So? You often do this to Cloud, and plus, you use to return to favour…

*Sephiroth*: HOW DID YOU LEARN THAT!!!!!

*Htress*: Blackmail… Now, be a good SOLDIER and gimme a beer.

*Sephiroth* *grumble*: And now I am a waiter… great…

*Htress*: AAAAaaaawwww Sephy… Don't get mad, take one, too… *To herself* That way I'll get even more blackmail info!!! Hehehehe…

- Too bad she passed away at such a young age…

Wanting to pay her respect, Prince Cloud lifted the fine crystal dome and touched gently her silver hair. All of a sudden, he realised that she was asleep… Bending down, he kissed her forehead… But her scent was definitely not feminine, nor his features… the Prince patted his chest.

- Hey, wait!!!, the Prince exclaimed, She doesn't have breasts, it's not a girl!…………… Oooooh yeah! Come here, baby…

And with that he kissed him fiercely on the mouth effectively waking up the sleeping man. Prince Sephiroth tried to protest, but he had to admit that whoever it was… well… that whoever was very skilled in that department. The person that was holding him suddenly pulled back, gently petting his silver hair.

- Dear lord… You're beautiful, your eyes… I traveled the world to find you. Who are you?

- Sephiroth, panted the Prince, I am the heir of the Midgar Kingdom. And… did you know that I am not a girl?

- Yeah, beauty… I am aware of that fact.

- And you are?

- Prince Cloud Strife, of the Nibel Mountains Kingdom. Do you have any objections that we continue what we were starting?

- No.

- Good. Let's find a more… private place and then, we'll get you out of that dress. Say, why do you wear it? Wait, don't answer, I don't care…

So after they finished what they had previously started (and in that passionate moment, Prince Sephiroth discovered the joy of wearing a dress…) and after Prince Sephiroth borrowed some of Prince Cloud's clothes, they were riding on the Prince's Gold chocobo toward the Castle. Upon their arrival, the guards blocked the passage. Prince Cloud got out his Huge Buster Sword and…

*Sephiroth*: Yeaaaahhh… Huuuuge…

*Htress*: Not that thing, Seph, the Sword… Hey! You're finally admit it! So Cloud is bigger than you?

*Sephiroth*: Naaaa… Cloud's wider…

*Htress*: Got to see that some time!

*Sephiroth*: Did ya know that Reno tried to make a move on him becuz of that?

*Htress*: Noooooo… Isn't he with Rufus?

*Sephiroth*: Yeah… Ruf would kill him if he knew…

*Htress*: *grins insanely* Hehehe… more bishie to slave!!! Do you want another drink, Seph?

*Sephiroth*: Smirnoff!

… and disarmed them. They ran up to the throne room (not the bathroom, okay guys…) to face up Hojo. The Sorcerer only cackled in front of the pair and immediately called up the guards for back-up. However, this time, they recognized the Prince, legitimate heir of their Kingdom and refused to obey the evil Sorcerer.

- Oh, joy! Our Prince is back! Please, your Highness, you should take the regency until your father…

- Don't even think of it!, roared Hojo, I am the only one able to cure the King! And if you make a move on me, then he'll never wake up! Mwahahahaha!!!

- If that's what you are planning, whoever you are, you will regret your acts, said Cloud menacingly.

The blond Prince of the Nibel Mountains lifted his hand toward the Sorcerer and in a loud thunder shriek, the lightning fell on him. Sephiroth ducked and covered his ears and head as Hojo retaliated with the burning of the fire, and so on until Cloud called to him the Mighty Dragon, Bahamuth. The beast did a quick work of it and made a good lunch out of the Sorcerer. Sephiroth was amazed.

- You know how to use the magic stones!!!

- Since I wasn't destined to the throne, they thought I could use that ability. It helped me a lot when I was traveling.

- Then help me to save my father!, the silver-haired Prince pleaded, Please, save him!

- How can I refuse to such a beautiful face…

Adding softly (so only Sephiroth could hear) that he liked him a lot on his knees, they both went to the Royal Bedroom, where King Vincent was kept confined. Cloud woke him up with the help of a Seal Magic Stone, and cured him with the Heal Magic Stone. They did the same to Knight Zackary, who, despite Hojo's threat, refused to kill the Prince. King Vincent was very happy to see his son, but even more when he learnt that Cloud saved him. So he gave the permission to Cloud to marry his son. The marriage was a great one, and since they didn't wanted the people to know that Cloud was a man, he wore a magnificent wedding dress for the ceremony. And they lived happy forever.

End

*Sephiroth*: ZZZzzzZZZZZzzzzzzZZzz

*Htress*: Oooooooohhhh… Would you look at that… So cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!! Shhhh! Don't wake him up… How did you find my fic?


End file.
